I Tried (& Ranked) Every Smoothie At Erewhon & This Smoothie Has De-Throned Hailey Bieber's

I once had a job where I had to quite literally scrape pond scum out of a lake for eight hours. That is to say I know pond scum, and this godless Goddess smoothie is giving pond scum. 1000% chance of gagging, do not recommend.

If I could sue a smoothie for emotional damage, it would be this Strawberry Probiotic smoothie. The tartness from the kefir and strawberries really clashes with the one-two punch of stevia and xylitol, and my tastebuds need therapy now in order to trust again.

This joke is low-hanging fruit, but this Coconut Dreams smoothie is a Coconut Nightmare. I simply wrote down "coconut lawn trimmings" in my notebook, and moved on. Please never bring up this smoothie to me again, I'm over it!

What a bait and switch this smoothie is. While it looks like the Java Chip Frappuccinos of my mall rat youth, the Perfect Amino-Choco Revive smoothie manages to taste the least like how it appears (maybe because it contains cauliflower rice, of all things). First of all, it's sour. Actually, that's all I could taste. Sour + very dark chocolate notes with absolutely not enough sweetness to balance it out.

This Post Workout smoothie is absolutely why protein shakes receive the ire that they do. Simply put, it tastes like vanilla-flavored gruel and is absolutely what I imagine Saxon from White Lotus would order.

I love mint chip everything, but this Mint Chip Energizer commits one fatal sin: It contains disgusting, vile stevia. Sue me, but I can detect that tongue-coating, cloyingly fake sweetener like a bomb-sniffing German Shepherd. To quote the great Tyra Banks, "I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you!"

The Energy Elixir smoothie was one where I repeatedly had to keep taking sips and asking myself, "Do I even like this?" It has this astringency that is likely due to the mucuna, and reminds me of a witchy elderberry tincture I might have bought from a hobby witch at an LA flea market once. The ingredients are not even all that wild (banana, blueberries, almond milk) and yet I had to admit no, I really do not like this smoothie.

The Maca Bomb, to me, was really not the bomb. "Medicine but creamy" flashed through my head when sipping on this one, likely due to all the earthier supplements it features (like mesquite, hemp, and lucuma). Also, it contains toffee-flavored stevia, which is a jailable offense in my book.

Per my ranking system, the Matchacado smoothie got an "unoffensive" label. It is super creamy, but that's kind of it. I wonder if the avocado's richness clouds over the matcha, but all I got was a plain avocado flavor with a bit of banana. Not super memorable, but also not bad.

A peanut butter smoothie can be a beautiful thing, but imagine if that same peanut butter smoothie also had dirt in it? That is the experience of the Peanut Butter Blast smoothie. That being said, it takes a lot of dirt to make something like peanut butter fully inedible, so I did finish it. I rest my case.

This might be a smoothie in name, but the Turmeric Crush was the most pressed juice-adjacent of the group. A bit slushy and not at all creamy, the Turmeric Crush smoothie has that carrot-ginger backbone that really screams, "West LA mom in a Land Rover."

Upon first sip, the Brainstorm smoothie immediately made me think "drinkable banana bread." It's got that big banana energy, but also bits of walnuts and dates to make it a multi-textural treat that straddles that line between "smoothie" and "milkshake." I might start making these at home???

It's impossible to rank Erewhon smoothies without featuring the one that really put the grocer on the map: Hailey Bieber's Strawberry Glaze Skin smoothie. If you wish a smoothie could taste like a strawberry milkshake (but maybe make your skin look good thanks to collagen and sea moss), this will more than fit the bill. Is it all snake oil? Perhaps. But it's quite a delicious smoothie at its core.

Holding this smoothie, I couldn't help but think, "Am I better than everyone?" Perhaps that was all the collagen, probiotics, and vitamin C talking, but this smoothie made by Nara Smith is also downright delicious. It's like a drinkable, tropical lemon bar.

I admit, this is where the smoothie lines start to melt, especially when the ingredients of each smoothie often overlap. But think of it this way, while the Wellness by Nara Smith smoothie might be a mango-infused lemon bar, the Malibu Mango would be its mango creamsicle-inspired cousin. It's slightly more decadent-tasting and edges more towards milkshake-flavor territory.

Even though the Perfect Amino Choco-Revive dashed my mall Frappuccino hopes, the Vanilla Matcha smoothie more than makes up for it. It's more like a slushy, creamy tea latte than a for-real smoothie, but I'm not mad about my morning caffeine coming with collagen, MCT oil, chlorella, and pearl powder (?!) — all of which I could not taste.

Sometimes, you just want a smoothie that tastes like you got it from an Orange Julius in the mall. In that case, the Royal Defense is for you. It's tart and refreshing, loaded with both blueberries and strawberries, but also a bit of bee pollen to really drive home this is very-much-from-Erewhon.

I love when my smoothies come with a warning label—it makes me feel alive. Okay, so the warning in question is that this smoothie contains raw milk kefir (which is not pasteurized), but all I tasted was a Pinkberry-esque fro-yo daydream that's sweet-tart and creamy. Proceed with this information as you like!

No doubt about it, this Activated smoothie gave me wings. It is not messing around with the coffee flavor, since it contains both cold brew and coffee beans. Creamy and coconut-y, it also got past my stevia-detection system, so I give it extra points for that. Did I feel like I could throw a football over the San Gabriel Mountains after drinking this? Perhaps.

In truth, I drank this lil' pip squeak of a smoothie so quickly that I forgot to take a photo of it. Oops! But do you blame me? It has little swirls of blueberry glaze and yuzu magnesium powder to form a smoothie that looks not unlike the tie-dye shirts of the guys who played hacky sack at my liberal arts college. Taste-wise, it tasted just like a Dole Whip and I would absolutely partake in this Amino Acid Trip smoothie again. That's right, 10/10!